Un-habits.

So it starts again. Need to stick too it. 

No joke, no excuses. 

Day one.  

Happens.

Not sure how to cut ties without hurt feelings. 

Giving.

Thanks for making my lonely day a little bit better. 

Sometimes.

Having one of those lonely bouts. Wishing I could just talk to someone, say how my day was, what I did, what I was planning to do. Even for just ten mins, to have someone care about what I had to say. Feeling like this is beyond a need for calling my mom and bothering her. I'm sure this is just a passing feeling but it's a feeling none the less. 

Barking.

Waking up every hour. 

Finally I sleep hard enough to have a dream. 

Wake up an hour later angry. 

I'm exhausted. 

Pouring.

So much has been going on and yet, not really. I've missed so much work, I need to not miss anymore time. I've cleaned out my savings and I am literally living off sandwiches. But I don't regret moving, at all. Everyday I wake up to a furniture-less apartment and it doesn't bother me. Cause I know for a fact I did the right thing. People tell me I seem happier and I smile more. It feels like a weight has been lifted and I can say/do what I feel like doing, not cause I was afraid of what you would say or find out. Come to think about it, I haven't even really thought about you. The way you acted left such a sour taste in my mouth that I'm glad you felt like shit afterwards. You know how I know? I was checking the mail at the house saw the hospital bill. I know for a fact you're on meds again. I bet it hurts knowing all these years that weed was just a crutch for something you really needed to take care of. Maybe you won't go psycho on the next girlfriend you try to control. 

Sorry for the tangent. 

But yeah I'm so glad to be out of there, just me and my kitties <3

Bffs.

Hurts my soul knowing both of you are gone and all I have is a picture to remember you by. 

;;

I just wish you could of told me. I would have been there for her. Went all day brushing it aside, but now, it hurts really badly. I'm sorry girl. I'll always remember sitting down with you and scratching your muzzle before I left. I had to leave and I hope you understood that. 

Pink.

Not sure what happened, life just kinda blew up in my face. Giving me a choice of living somewhere I don't wanna go or sticking me with a place I can't afford or afford to move out of. I can't handle it anymore, but I know when I see you cry and I see you upset my heart sinks knowing that what we have will never be the same. I just need to stick to my guns and just end this. Tired of worrying about what the future will be like, I just need to make it happen. 

So today you started packing. Not a single thing I say will make you change your mind. I told you I didn't wanna move but you wouldn't listen, so what kind of attitude did you expect from me? Telling me "I'll move with or without you." Of course I'm gonna be distant and surround myself with people that don't treat me like dirt. If only I wasn't such a sucker and decided to give it another go. I would have been out of that house and starting over, but you know what? I did it for the dog. Knowing that you would move home and I couldn't take her. Knowing we would have to put her down. She's just a casualty that you don't wanna take responsibility for. I feel sorry for her. 

Dreading going home, not sure what to expect. A half empty house maybe? 

I just want out, really. Tired of hiding the person I wanna be because it doesn't suit you. Tired of the 'encouragement' you give because it sure comes off as belittling. Tired of feeling like I need to tip toe around you. Tired of being in a loveless relationship. I just hope I can do it. 

Sigh.

And now I wonder why I get so frustrated. Thanks for making me feel like a fool. 

...

I'm just scared and worried. 

I'm not at a good point in my life. 

Little things make me feel like the world is gonna end. 

People tell me to just smile, when really my heart aches on the inside. 

They just don't know. 

Mom calls me asking how I am and all I can do is lie unless I call her drunk and crying. 

All I want is a firm hug and someone to tell me they are here for me. 

Someone to tell me they are here for me. 

Worried.

The longer I wait the worse it'll be. Almost like, not knowing what it is I can push it from my thoughts and can completely forget about it. Tomorrow the procrastination will end. I just hope it's not what I think it is, something minor I hope. 

On the plus side I had two other worries come to an end today. One is mending and the other is a for sure thing. I need to not be so stupid. 

Now I just waitwaitwait. 

Clumsy.

Wish I didn't bruise like a peach. I can't even count the number of bruises I have cause I'm careless. 

Regret.

I just wanna know if I'm doing the right thing. Tonight will be tough. 

Home.

So tired of you judging me. 

Quit smoking yo. 

Still awake.

Internal clock must be broken.  Day is night and night is day. I don't know how much longer it'll take to finally crash and feel some sanity. I might be leveling out, still not sure. Felt like myself at least. Kinda felt like improving myself. 

Here's where I'll be vague...

Day two, nothing. Empty but I know it'll be worth it. Hoping tomorrow it won't affect my performance. Need to be more

active with it. This goal will further rip my sleep schedule. At this point, I'm in too deep. 

I just wanna be normal. 

Now to try to close my eyes. 

Respond later.

Her 'I know that I am probably the last person that you want to hear from but I just have to get this off my chest at some point in my life... 
I honestly don't even remember what exactly I was so irritated by but it wasn't something that happened in an instant... It piled up over time and I just couldn't deal with it anymore and had to walk away. Basically everything was stressing me the fuck out and I was just not really giving a shit. Yes there was some things that were too petty to even really hold a grudge over but it wasn't one specific thing, it was many. Now does this mean you deserve the way I left things? No... not at all, but I did and I can't change that anymore because what is done, is done. I have two options... one is to not bother with it ever again like I have been for the past year or maybe more (I lost track of time so I don't even know exactly), the other is to say something, knowing that it could fall on deaf ears. All I am saying is that you may have played a minor role in my anger but it was me who walked away. 
I think the reason I walk away from a lot of things is because I don't want to deal with it. I realize that is not a very adult thing to do but I'm not always an adult about things. I shut down and leave it be and my life goes on as if nothing ever happened. I guess I just have my dark moments where I hate everything because people suck and life sucks and everything is depressing. 
I've tried to send similar messages like this from time to time but decided I was being stupid and doing something I would regret so I backed out of it. This time I guess I'm just gonna go ahead and send the damn thing and just get it over with. I just feel like its already weird as it is cuz its been such a long ass time, but wouldn't it be even weirder if I randomly sent this message in 10 years? I don't expect a response or any type of forgiveness. I don't even know if I would be able to handle one since I don't even know if I am doing right by saying anything I said here and the idea just makes me wanna crawl in a hole and die. but I deserve any shit that comes my way if it ever does cuz what it all boils down to is that I fucked up. I also gave you no way to reach out to me by putting a gigantic fucking wall up. So I know I'm not a good person or at least in that moment, the decision I made, made me a bad person. Anyways, I don't think there is much more I can add to this because its already longer than I wanted it to be. I don't think saying sorry is even acceptable so I'm just gonna not say that. its just not enough for something like this.'

Me 'I don't even know what to say. I was pretty hurt for quite some time, but obviously it was a two way street. I also fucked up but I was willing to make amends. I'm not the kinda person to walk away from a friendship that meant something to me. I'll just leave it at that.'

Her 'I understand and I have no problem saying and admitting out loud that I am the fuck up here. I mean, its really obvious that I was the problem, but I'm not trying to deny it in any way. I just want to actually say it so that it is known, that I am well aware that I made it worse than it needed to be by walking away instead of dealing with it. Not only that, but I allowed the personal problems that I had in my life get in the way as well. Its no one else s fault that I have issues that I need to deal with on my own, but in the moment I did what I felt cuz I felt like shit and did not really give a damn about the outcome. I can regret any mistake I have made in my life all I want but I can't take any of it back. Its just one lesson learned and I gotta move past it and remember to not do it again. By putting up a barrier, I didn't allow you to speak your mind so if there was some type of conversation things may have been just fine, but of course that's not what happened. Even though I am not saying these words face to face, I am saying it the only way I am able to through message. I am ashamed of my mistake but I have no shame in admitting that I did wrong. That may or may not mean anything at all but this is the step in the right direction for me to not be that shitty person. If I continue to ignore it like I have been then it doesn't ever go away or get resolved. Doing that makes me just as bad as I was when I did what I did. I am not expecting shit out of this, my point is that I have to do the right thing by saying this otherwise I continue to be a shit person. This doesn't make me an angel either and none of this may even mean anything to you personally because of the length of time that has passed. Still, all of this that I have been saying is the point I am trying to make, that I am trying to do right in the only way there is left to do it because what is done is done and I can't change it. I honestly did not even expect a response but for you to even do that says a lot about you as a person. And one last thing, I know that all of this is probably just more annoying than ever because its a thing of the past that you have most likely moved on from forever ago so I apologize for bothering you. I'm certain its inconvenient and just irritating if anything and its easier to just ignore it. There is already so much wrong with all of it and it just gets worse over time so honestly I don't know what is the right or wrong thing. This could be the worst thing I could have decided to do...I may have been better off just leaving it alone but I don't really know, I'm just going with what feels right. What feels right isn't always right either! so yea its a lose lose situation for me no matter what I do even if I am doing right. Anyways I hope you are doing well and the reason these messages are so long are because I feel like I have to say everything to make sure all of it is known and not just bits and pieces.'

Me: 'Reading this right now, I still feel hurt by the situation but inside myself I still miss you. I don't think it would be easy for us to have a mutual friendship like we did before but maybe in time when we both do some growing up. I can't deny that I've been pretty shitty to people I cared about but it's slowly getting better. It's literally baby steps into becoming a decent person that I should always be. I can still cry right now knowing that I've missed you and thinking about all the shitty times I didn't need to put you though. Just keep in touch... Kim you were are still a great friend to me and if you vocalized what the issue was I feel like we would be in a different place. I reached out to Nate but even he was telling me the whole story. I felt really lost and alienated from people I enjoyed their company day in and day out.'

Poof.

It's like one minute it was there, and now I'm searching for it. Not sure where it could of gone...

Doubt I'll find it again. I just need to let it go. 

Crickets.

I need to stop being so weird, sincesincesince 

No reason to be so 

Just today I'm kinda 

Seven.

He has no idea how much it hurts me. I give him clues but still, nothing. My soul aches for this hole I'm missing. Crying now, and I hear you snoring. I'm such a fool. 

Gonna call mom tomorrow but i feel like I'll be let down. 

Feels like ten years too many. 

Day One.

I'm feeling slightly crazy. Like why do I care? Why does it engulf my life? 

It gets harder to sleep at night. 

Wake up. 

Rinse and repeat. 

Urges.

Not again. Having this feeling of drifting away into my old attention seeking habits. I'm trying to be good... But late at night when I'm alone... It's all I can think about. This is me recognizing it before it happens. I wanna say I'll be strong enough to look past it but I just don't know. I'm a repeat offender. Doesn't matter what kinda status you're in, you will eventually speak to me how I want to be spoken too. That's where it starts. 

Rip.

So my sensitivity has gotten the best of me... Again. I need to learn that I'm not the only person in existence and that tomorrow will be a new beginning. But for right now, I feel pretty replaced and terrible because I might just be that 'stupid' person I dreaded. I need to make real life friends but this town is too damn small. 

It's my year...

Won some headphones from my best buddies stream. Totally made my birthday.

Could make an exception.

Redheads... Oh man. 

Plus, this year has been good to me so far. 

Dat sinking feeling.

I've been having a great week, honestly. Somehow... Always, I get that sinking feeling. My heart sighs and my brain keeps chuggin' a long. I'm trying not to be so obvious about it but... 

Shitnados.

I've never been one to throw the word 'friend' around, but when I do I really mean it.  I'm still a little salty but I mainly just miss... You know. When I think about it my soul just aches hoping... You know. 

Some day, any day.